Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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