What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I'm getting married
To pizza
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Randomize
