I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
