Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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