i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
