remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
