3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
