I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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