If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize