I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
