it was like eating out sand paper
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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