My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Randomize
