So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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