oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
