Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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