I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
Michael Bay diarrhea
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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