I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
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