I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
