my text book just quoted the cookie monster
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Randomize
