So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
I have tasted many bathrooms
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
