He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
