I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
