even my farts smell like vagina
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
Randomize
