so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Randomize
