Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
