I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
