fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
