I smell stomach acid.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
