in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Randomize
