New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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