if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
