cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Randomize
