John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
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