Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
Randomize
