First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Randomize
