How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
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Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
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Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
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