It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Randomize
