May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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