I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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