Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
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