i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
