Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
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I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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