I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
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I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
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DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
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