The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Dignity is for republicans.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Randomize
