I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
