dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
