I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Randomize
