So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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