I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
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I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
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This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
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