he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Randomize
