So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
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