i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Randomize
