Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
