Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
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