So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
