ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
Where are you?
In a non slutty way
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Randomize
