We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
