Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
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