Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
