the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
Randomize
