Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
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