Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
