see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
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It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
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