Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
