call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
