remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
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