I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Randomize
