This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
