Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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